A writing drought plagues my soul. No poetry, no sustained organized thoughts, no nothing. Frustrating, exceedingly frustrating.

A Lifetime of Sanctification

"...asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light." Colossians 1:9-12

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." James 1:5-8

So many times in this life I find myself lost, confused, paralyzed with fear as I look towards an uncertain future. How quickly do I forget the timeless truths that the Father tenderly speaks to me through His Word. My eyes can be so focused one day and the next, it is as if I woke up a different person. The lies and the deceit of this world quickly, yet ever so subtly slither their way into my heart. And when I leave provision for the flesh, the Enemy wastes no time finding a secure foothold. I'm left wondering, "What in the world happened?" To go from trusting God and being so confident in His promises to doubting whether or not He is good and really cares about my life. It seems so ridiculous because well it is! Yet I've found myself here.
Tears, frustration, despair, fear. All these are my companions in this time. I can do nothing but fall to my knees and cry out to Him. Sometimes it is lying on my bed with the Word open before me, calling to mind His promises and feel miles from my heart.
By God's wonderful grace, He takes notice of me, in my confusion and despair and rescues me. He forgives my sin, my heinous doubt and cleanses me. For when I confess my sin "He is faithful and just to forgive our sin and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9) Never has He left me to drown in my despair. I love Him for that.
"I love the LORD, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because he inclined his ear to me therefore I will call on him as long as I live." Psalm 116:1-2
It is overwhelming how He comes, time and time again. Each and every moment faithfully staying true to His Promises, conforming me more and more to the image of His Son. Praise God I'm not who I was a year ago, even a week ago for that matter!
I say all of that because I cannot God has once again reminded me...no, rescued me from my sin and Satan's deception. The two verses at the top of the page are two passages that God breathed. The first was given to me by a wise man who has been faithfully speaking truth into my life for three or so years now.Thank God for people like that. The second was pure Holy Spirit, as He convicted me of how double-minded I was acting.
I continue to wrestle with my life direction and many decisions that are in my wake could very well set the coarse for the rest of my life. I'm moving into an even greater realm of unknown, very unfamiliar territory. In the midst of the uncertainty I forgot the beautiful promises of my Father. I took my eyes off the Author and Perfecter of my faith. Wisdom has been my cry and prayer for sometime now. I'm so proned to second guessing myself and allowing the words of others to plant seeds of doubt. Even a seemingly encouraging and harmless conversation with a brother or sister in Christ.
I'm such a people-pleaser sometimes, that I try to conform myself to what I think they want me to be or do. Yikes. I repent of that evil. Because by God's grace I will "...walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God." May I live to please God and God alone! With this conviction also came the gentle reminder to fix my eyes once again on Him who is above, not on the earthly things that are passing away. The promises came flooding back into my mind and heart. I am Sovereign. I am Good. In My right hand are pleasures forever. My way is Truth. I will lead you. I will sustain you. It is for My glory that you live.
So tonight, by the Grace of God my eyes are back on Him. I don't want to be the double-minded man who doubts. I want to be the man who yearns to please His Father by walking in the way of wisdom and understanding that I might bear fruit in every good work.
May Christ be glorified in me.

Raw

Oh heart of mine
Though dulled by the world
the ache remains, the longing persists

I want to love
But it slumbers within
I yearn to love
but it alludes my selfish grasp
I ache to love
because it is what You made this heart for.....

"in faithfulness you afflicted me...."

I believe that, Father. I really do.

Rooted and Grounded

My Prayer
That according to the riches of his glory he may grant me to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in my inner being, so that Christ may dwell in my heart through faith--that I, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that I may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. (Taken from Ephesians 3:16-21 ESV)

I'm full of knowledge. Yet love is so far from me. I'm tired of loving myself and my sin. I want to love His Body and His Sheep, both the lost and the found. I want to be compelled as Paul was by the message of reconciliation. I want to know the fear of the Lord, therefore seeking to persuade others to repent and believe. I want to stop typing and talking and thinking about how I want to love people and actually start DOING IT. Blah. As frustrating as it is to feel so stuck in selfishness and sin, the passage of Scripture above gives me so much hope. The words are so powerful and proclaim such amazing truth and promises. Praise God that He is faithful to His promises.

As I ask He will do MORE then I could ever ask for or think. But I have to ask. I have to.

Check out 2 Co. 2:14-6:2 I know it is long but its such a good passage. Amazing truth to meditate on.

The Word Lives

Psalm 119 blows me away. Every time I read it, my heart screams a resounding "YES!" to the Psalmist's words. It's the longest Psalm yet I find that I often lose myself in it, enthralled with the truth and life that is found within. Though I struggle much with prayer these verses quickly turn into heartfelt cries to God. Verses woven into beautiful prayers.
"Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law." vs.18
"Put false ways far from me and graciously teach me your law!" vs.29
"Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart. Lead me in the path of your commandments, for I delight in it. Incline my heart to your testimonies and not to selfish gain! Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things and give me life in your ways." vs.34-37
"Let your steadfast love come to me, O LORD, your salvation according to your promise." vs.41
"This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life." vs.50
"Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep your word. You are good and do good; teach me your statutes." vs.67-68
"It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes." vs.71
And the verses go on....and on....and on....I LOVE IT!
I know so many Christians struggle with reading the Word. And I know that those who do read regularly struggle with finding the Life that is locked away in the pages. I've always been a reader, so reading the Bible is not hard for me. However, I often struggle immensely with finding the life that is in this Living Word. It's so easy just to read, so easy just to go through the motions and expect God to slap me on the side of the head with a great revelation. Well, guess what, He can do that, but most often He chooses not to.
Why you ask? Because He yearns for us to interact with HIM. If He just poured revelation on us every time we simply read a sentence where would our seeking be? He desires us to pursue Him in prayer, to open our hearts to Him so that His Spirit can teach us and transform us. The Word exists for this very purpose, that when we read it, we have the opportunity to encounter the Living God! How amazing is that! Ahhhhh yet so many times we read His words with the indifference of a psychology text book.
Father, forgive us. Forgive us for not striving hard to seek you, forgive us for giving up when Your Word seems to difficult for us. Forgive us for storing knowledge in our heads but keeping our hearts far from you.
We are living in a barren land. So thirsty are we, chasing mirages of truth only to find dry sand. If only we'd see that we stand on a dry river bed and that beneath our feet, beneath this sand lies a stream of Living Water. But we must dig, we must toil, we must sweat to reach it. It won't be easy, in fact, we will often times be tempted to give up hope. But the promise remains and the strength to endure is within us. The journey is hard and the afflictions are many, but oh to taste this sweet Living Water! Oh the joy of seeing that precious trickle when we finally break through. Then seeing that trickle become a stream....that stream, a river....that river, a flood. And through a lifetime of labor, we find ourselves bathing and drinking in an Ocean of Living Water. All of this in the midst of a dry and barren land. And other, thirsty, wandering souls will stumble upon our oasis and drink deeply, giving them the strength they need to dig their own well. More and more people will come, being refreshed and revived. More and more people will dig and discover Living Water. And soon, this dry and thirsty land will be no more. Soon, the trees of abundance shall return bearing fruit. The land will be transformed from a once barren desert to a Garden so beautiful, so breathtakingly glorious, to use words would only degrade its beauty. We wait for this day with eager longing and expectation.

That my friends, is why we read the Word, that is why we toil and wrestle.

"This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life."

I couldn't have said it better......

From today's morning reading of C.H. Spurgeon.

"Behold, he prayeth."
-- Acts 9:11

Prayers are instantly noticed in heaven. The moment Saul began to pray
the Lord heard him. Here is comfort for the distressed but praying
soul. Oftentimes a poor broken-hearted one bends his knee, but can only
utter his wailing in the language of sighs and tears; yet that groan
has made all the harps of heaven thrill with music; that tear has been
caught by God and treasured in the lachrymatory of heaven. "Thou
puttest my tears into thy bottle," implies that they are caught as they
flow. The suppliant, whose fears prevent his words, will be well
understood by the Most High. He may only look up with misty eye; but
"prayer is the falling of a tear." Tears are the diamonds of heaven;
sighs are a part of the music of Jehovah's court, and are numbered with
"the sublimest strains that reach the majesty on high." Think not that
your prayer, however weak or trembling, will be unregarded. Jacob's
ladder is lofty, but our prayers shall lean upon the Angel of the
covenant and so climb its starry rounds. Our God not only hears prayer
but also loves to hear it. "He forgetteth not the cry of the humble."
True, he regards not high looks and lofty words; he cares not for the
pomp and pageantry of kings; he listens not to the swell of martial
music; he regards not the triumph and pride of man; but wherever there
is a heart big with sorrow, or a lip quivering with agony, or a deep
groan, or a penitential sigh, the heart of Jehovah is open; he marks it
down in the registry of his memory; he puts our prayers, like rose
leaves, between the pages of his book of remembrance, and when the
volume is opened at last, there shall be a precious fragrance springing
up therefrom.

"Faith asks no signal from the skies,
To show that prayers accepted rise,
Our Priest is in his holy place,
And answers from the throne of grace."

Sometimes groaning is exactly what we need to do.

So I was writing a letter to a friend and on the back page I've started to write random quick poems just for the fun of it. It's a challenge to get me writing and not worrying about whether or not it is "good" or not. I've been thinking a lot about how for most of my life I suffered alone. In my depression, anxiety, sinful addictions, loneliness, etc. I suffered alone and was bitter because of it. Angry at others and angry at God I was such an angry and bitter person. This is what was borne as I journey on the path of restoration. I see so many people alone, suffering silently and it breaks my heart. This is my heart cry and plea. Open your mouth and speak, cry out in pain. Don't be afraid to manifest the heavy burdens on your heart. Christ gave us the Church, each other, that we might bear one another's burden. You don't have to carry it alone. Swallow your pride and take my hand. We need each other.


Silent Sufferer

All alone, here I stand
Longing for an outstretched hand
To look upon my hopeless state
To listen well and not berate
The honest thoughts and feelings too
That torment my soul piercing me through

To sit with me in the muck and mire
To endure my musings and not tire
But why is my heart endlessly alone?
This is my bitter cup, why, I bemoan
Can no one see my broken heart?
Does no one here, have grace to impart?

Selfish people how can they not see?
The pain, the anguish, inside of me
Angry and frustrated, shaking my fist
I guess I’ll just sit here, so I insist
As I sit here, self-pity is mine
Cynical, hopeless, pride is my crime

So consumed with myself, so focused on me
I’m blind to the reality, the truth I don’t see
People who love and notice my face
Words offered freely, much needed grace
Brothers who have known the pain full well
Sisters who have experienced my very same hell

But I’m deaf to their words, I’m blind to their love
I’d rather pity myself then receive grace from above
Silent sufferer am I by will and by choice
Crying out to God, but ignoring His Voice.

In Love, in Grace, and in Truth, for His Glory and my joy,

Brandon