As I was reading....

So as I'm close to wrapping up Matthew I was reading in chapter 27 today. This is an extremely heavy and turbulent chapter as it goes through Jesus' accusations, his condemnation, his torture, his death, and his burial. It is intense in so many ways and arouses many emotions from anger, to guilt, to confusion, to hope.
Though there is so much that I could talk about in reference to this chapter I just wanted to briefly share what came to my attention for the first time as I was reading this morning. In verses 15-26 Pilate is addressing the crowd concerning whether or not Jesus or Barabbas should be condemned. The crowd being convinced by the Pharisees cry out condemnation, "Let him be crucified!" What hit me afresh this time reading through this series of events was verse 25 when the crowd cries out, "His blood be on us and on our children!" I noticed for the first time that those who condemned Jesus were prophets! You may ask how and I shall explain. When they cried out that Christ's blood be on them and their children that quite literally became true in His death and resurrection. Jesus, being the Spotless Lamb, was sacrificed for our sins and His blood is our atonement. So while the crowd was crying out in hatred, demanding to shed his blood, God in His amazing sovereignty orchestrated the requirement that the blood of Christ MUST be on us and our children if we are too gain eternal life.
I thought it was one of those cool little reminders of God transforming the evil motives and actions of mankind into the glorious redemption of mankind through the death and resurrection of His Son.

Trying to verbalize.....

So my life is pretty uncertain right now. I guess if you put it in its proper perspective it has always been uncertain in the sense that I do not know what is ahead. Only God knows. But the past months have brought this Truth to the forefront in my life. It's so much more then just knowing what job I'm going to get or where I might live. It's deeper and it is bringing me face to face with the decision to trust or too flee. Will I trust that God has a GOOD plan for my life, for the next month, for tomorrow? Or will I flee and hide in anxiety and fear, refusing to actively seek my Father who promises to provide?
I feel as if I've been drifting lately, numb in a lot of ways, confused in so many others. I was thinking today wondering what the source of this numbness, semi-apathy. I'm wondering if its a defense mechanism to keep myself from totally freaking out about all the unknowns in my life. It's just a theory, but I maybe I'm repressing emotions and trying to hide my fear. Hmmmmmm.....interesting.
Emotions have not been completely fleeting from me though, so its not like I'm paralyzed. I'm still hopeful and so that keeps me from falling into a spiritual panic, because one of my greatest fears is being spiritually apathetic and numb. I've been wrestling some with sadness, though its source has yet to be revealed. I've also been quite overwhelmed with joy as I've been working this past week at my Alma Mater. I don't know what it is about being outside, getting dirty, wet, and sweating. I don't know what it is about sitting on a mower and weed eating for hours but it overwhelms me with joy. My body aches right now, my forearms still feel like jello, but when I'm out there in the sun or rain working that doesn't matter.
As I've worked God's been reminding me of the verse in Colossians where Paul admonishes the church that whatever they say and do "do all for the glory of God." It's been a joy to press on with that attitude. He's also reminded me of my pride and how I want to sometimes bear the burden of work alone so that people will notice and be impressed with me. What foolishness, but it is truth nonetheless. It's been a blessing to present that sin to Him and repent, receiving His grace and forgiveness. I don't want to be a prideful man, I can't be a prideful man. I cannot love my future wife and love my children with a heart full of pride. Oh that I may be a man of humility! Alas it will take my whole life and much humiliation but by God's grace I will be such a man.
So all this being said, my heart is in a strange state and I'm longing for some clarity. Not that I even want God to answer my questions, though they are many. I just need Him to reveal Himself to me in a greater way. I must have Him and the confusion and chaos will not touch me. The gaze seems blurry right now and I need the clarity of His Truth to bring light into my eyes. Oh that I may see Him and rest in His Presence!

Musings on Manhood (Intro)

Being a man means many things, most of which I haven't even begun to grasp. What does it mean to be the head of a house? What does it mean to love my wife as Christ loves the Church? What does it mean to be a man of strength yet clothed with a heart of compassion? And the questions go on.
The responsibilities of being a man are never ending and the burden is honestly more then I can bear. Praise God their is grace offered to me through Christ. He is the only way and will be the only way I will ever be the man I'm called to be. It's overwhelming to see where I am now and where I need to be but once again my soul cries out and the sweet mercy of God is there ministering, teaching and rebuking my needy heart. One of the greatest wrestlings of a man's heart is an issue of adequacy....Do I have what it takes? It's a question that pushes men to be aggressive, power hungry jerks or passive, pansies that get blown away by a gentle breeze.
I've always found myself being in the latter category, passive pansy, paralyzed by fear, unwilling to move because I'm afraid to fail. Now here is where many people would stop and look back at their childhood and begin to blame their parents for being how they are. You know, I'm not going to do that. My passivity and lack of godly leadership in the past has been birthed from one thing and this is....my sin. It was my sin that made the decisions, that thought the thoughts, that ignored the commandments of God. Did my childhood effect me? Yes, you better believe it did. But I refuse to blame my father or my mother for my own sinful decisions. Could they have done better, taught me how to be a man? Of course, but I'm so tired of everyone shifting blame. Men, we need to take responsibility for the decisions we've made. That is the only way we can truly repent and BE the men God calls us to be. That was a bit of a tangent rant. Anyways.....
In the past year or so I've begun to look at manhood more seriously, asking questions, reading Scripture and books, and crying out to God for wisdom. "Oh, God teach me how to be a man!" Because you know what? I have NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING! Haha, tis true my friends. In the midst of my crying out, our faithful God has answered my cry, refining me. I am confident that this refinement will fashion me into the man I long to be and that my future wife needs me to be, so that we can bring glory to God as we live out Ephesians 5:22-33 together. Man, that is exciting to think about. I get all fired up every time I read that Scripture.
So what has He been teaching me? Well, I shall save that for a future post.