Trying to verbalize.....

So my life is pretty uncertain right now. I guess if you put it in its proper perspective it has always been uncertain in the sense that I do not know what is ahead. Only God knows. But the past months have brought this Truth to the forefront in my life. It's so much more then just knowing what job I'm going to get or where I might live. It's deeper and it is bringing me face to face with the decision to trust or too flee. Will I trust that God has a GOOD plan for my life, for the next month, for tomorrow? Or will I flee and hide in anxiety and fear, refusing to actively seek my Father who promises to provide?
I feel as if I've been drifting lately, numb in a lot of ways, confused in so many others. I was thinking today wondering what the source of this numbness, semi-apathy. I'm wondering if its a defense mechanism to keep myself from totally freaking out about all the unknowns in my life. It's just a theory, but I maybe I'm repressing emotions and trying to hide my fear. Hmmmmmm.....interesting.
Emotions have not been completely fleeting from me though, so its not like I'm paralyzed. I'm still hopeful and so that keeps me from falling into a spiritual panic, because one of my greatest fears is being spiritually apathetic and numb. I've been wrestling some with sadness, though its source has yet to be revealed. I've also been quite overwhelmed with joy as I've been working this past week at my Alma Mater. I don't know what it is about being outside, getting dirty, wet, and sweating. I don't know what it is about sitting on a mower and weed eating for hours but it overwhelms me with joy. My body aches right now, my forearms still feel like jello, but when I'm out there in the sun or rain working that doesn't matter.
As I've worked God's been reminding me of the verse in Colossians where Paul admonishes the church that whatever they say and do "do all for the glory of God." It's been a joy to press on with that attitude. He's also reminded me of my pride and how I want to sometimes bear the burden of work alone so that people will notice and be impressed with me. What foolishness, but it is truth nonetheless. It's been a blessing to present that sin to Him and repent, receiving His grace and forgiveness. I don't want to be a prideful man, I can't be a prideful man. I cannot love my future wife and love my children with a heart full of pride. Oh that I may be a man of humility! Alas it will take my whole life and much humiliation but by God's grace I will be such a man.
So all this being said, my heart is in a strange state and I'm longing for some clarity. Not that I even want God to answer my questions, though they are many. I just need Him to reveal Himself to me in a greater way. I must have Him and the confusion and chaos will not touch me. The gaze seems blurry right now and I need the clarity of His Truth to bring light into my eyes. Oh that I may see Him and rest in His Presence!