My Prayer
That according to the riches of his glory he may grant me to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in my inner being, so that Christ may dwell in my heart through faith--that I, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that I may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. (Taken from Ephesians 3:16-21 ESV)
I'm full of knowledge. Yet love is so far from me. I'm tired of loving myself and my sin. I want to love His Body and His Sheep, both the lost and the found. I want to be compelled as Paul was by the message of reconciliation. I want to know the fear of the Lord, therefore seeking to persuade others to repent and believe. I want to stop typing and talking and thinking about how I want to love people and actually start DOING IT. Blah. As frustrating as it is to feel so stuck in selfishness and sin, the passage of Scripture above gives me so much hope. The words are so powerful and proclaim such amazing truth and promises. Praise God that He is faithful to His promises.
As I ask He will do MORE then I could ever ask for or think. But I have to ask. I have to.
Check out 2 Co. 2:14-6:2 I know it is long but its such a good passage. Amazing truth to meditate on.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
The Word Lives
Psalm 119 blows me away. Every time I read it, my heart screams a resounding "YES!" to the Psalmist's words. It's the longest Psalm yet I find that I often lose myself in it, enthralled with the truth and life that is found within. Though I struggle much with prayer these verses quickly turn into heartfelt cries to God. Verses woven into beautiful prayers.
"Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law." vs.18
"Put false ways far from me and graciously teach me your law!" vs.29
"Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart. Lead me in the path of your commandments, for I delight in it. Incline my heart to your testimonies and not to selfish gain! Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things and give me life in your ways." vs.34-37
"Let your steadfast love come to me, O LORD, your salvation according to your promise." vs.41
"This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life." vs.50
"Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep your word. You are good and do good; teach me your statutes." vs.67-68
"It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes." vs.71
And the verses go on....and on....and on....I LOVE IT!
I know so many Christians struggle with reading the Word. And I know that those who do read regularly struggle with finding the Life that is locked away in the pages. I've always been a reader, so reading the Bible is not hard for me. However, I often struggle immensely with finding the life that is in this Living Word. It's so easy just to read, so easy just to go through the motions and expect God to slap me on the side of the head with a great revelation. Well, guess what, He can do that, but most often He chooses not to.
Why you ask? Because He yearns for us to interact with HIM. If He just poured revelation on us every time we simply read a sentence where would our seeking be? He desires us to pursue Him in prayer, to open our hearts to Him so that His Spirit can teach us and transform us. The Word exists for this very purpose, that when we read it, we have the opportunity to encounter the Living God! How amazing is that! Ahhhhh yet so many times we read His words with the indifference of a psychology text book.
Father, forgive us. Forgive us for not striving hard to seek you, forgive us for giving up when Your Word seems to difficult for us. Forgive us for storing knowledge in our heads but keeping our hearts far from you.
We are living in a barren land. So thirsty are we, chasing mirages of truth only to find dry sand. If only we'd see that we stand on a dry river bed and that beneath our feet, beneath this sand lies a stream of Living Water. But we must dig, we must toil, we must sweat to reach it. It won't be easy, in fact, we will often times be tempted to give up hope. But the promise remains and the strength to endure is within us. The journey is hard and the afflictions are many, but oh to taste this sweet Living Water! Oh the joy of seeing that precious trickle when we finally break through. Then seeing that trickle become a stream....that stream, a river....that river, a flood. And through a lifetime of labor, we find ourselves bathing and drinking in an Ocean of Living Water. All of this in the midst of a dry and barren land. And other, thirsty, wandering souls will stumble upon our oasis and drink deeply, giving them the strength they need to dig their own well. More and more people will come, being refreshed and revived. More and more people will dig and discover Living Water. And soon, this dry and thirsty land will be no more. Soon, the trees of abundance shall return bearing fruit. The land will be transformed from a once barren desert to a Garden so beautiful, so breathtakingly glorious, to use words would only degrade its beauty. We wait for this day with eager longing and expectation.
That my friends, is why we read the Word, that is why we toil and wrestle.
"This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life."
"Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law." vs.18
"Put false ways far from me and graciously teach me your law!" vs.29
"Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart. Lead me in the path of your commandments, for I delight in it. Incline my heart to your testimonies and not to selfish gain! Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things and give me life in your ways." vs.34-37
"Let your steadfast love come to me, O LORD, your salvation according to your promise." vs.41
"This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life." vs.50
"Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep your word. You are good and do good; teach me your statutes." vs.67-68
"It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes." vs.71
And the verses go on....and on....and on....I LOVE IT!
I know so many Christians struggle with reading the Word. And I know that those who do read regularly struggle with finding the Life that is locked away in the pages. I've always been a reader, so reading the Bible is not hard for me. However, I often struggle immensely with finding the life that is in this Living Word. It's so easy just to read, so easy just to go through the motions and expect God to slap me on the side of the head with a great revelation. Well, guess what, He can do that, but most often He chooses not to.
Why you ask? Because He yearns for us to interact with HIM. If He just poured revelation on us every time we simply read a sentence where would our seeking be? He desires us to pursue Him in prayer, to open our hearts to Him so that His Spirit can teach us and transform us. The Word exists for this very purpose, that when we read it, we have the opportunity to encounter the Living God! How amazing is that! Ahhhhh yet so many times we read His words with the indifference of a psychology text book.
Father, forgive us. Forgive us for not striving hard to seek you, forgive us for giving up when Your Word seems to difficult for us. Forgive us for storing knowledge in our heads but keeping our hearts far from you.
We are living in a barren land. So thirsty are we, chasing mirages of truth only to find dry sand. If only we'd see that we stand on a dry river bed and that beneath our feet, beneath this sand lies a stream of Living Water. But we must dig, we must toil, we must sweat to reach it. It won't be easy, in fact, we will often times be tempted to give up hope. But the promise remains and the strength to endure is within us. The journey is hard and the afflictions are many, but oh to taste this sweet Living Water! Oh the joy of seeing that precious trickle when we finally break through. Then seeing that trickle become a stream....that stream, a river....that river, a flood. And through a lifetime of labor, we find ourselves bathing and drinking in an Ocean of Living Water. All of this in the midst of a dry and barren land. And other, thirsty, wandering souls will stumble upon our oasis and drink deeply, giving them the strength they need to dig their own well. More and more people will come, being refreshed and revived. More and more people will dig and discover Living Water. And soon, this dry and thirsty land will be no more. Soon, the trees of abundance shall return bearing fruit. The land will be transformed from a once barren desert to a Garden so beautiful, so breathtakingly glorious, to use words would only degrade its beauty. We wait for this day with eager longing and expectation.
That my friends, is why we read the Word, that is why we toil and wrestle.
"This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life."
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I couldn't have said it better......
From today's morning reading of C.H. Spurgeon.
"Behold, he prayeth."
-- Acts 9:11
Prayers are instantly noticed in heaven. The moment Saul began to pray
the Lord heard him. Here is comfort for the distressed but praying
soul. Oftentimes a poor broken-hearted one bends his knee, but can only
utter his wailing in the language of sighs and tears; yet that groan
has made all the harps of heaven thrill with music; that tear has been
caught by God and treasured in the lachrymatory of heaven. "Thou
puttest my tears into thy bottle," implies that they are caught as they
flow. The suppliant, whose fears prevent his words, will be well
understood by the Most High. He may only look up with misty eye; but
"prayer is the falling of a tear." Tears are the diamonds of heaven;
sighs are a part of the music of Jehovah's court, and are numbered with
"the sublimest strains that reach the majesty on high." Think not that
your prayer, however weak or trembling, will be unregarded. Jacob's
ladder is lofty, but our prayers shall lean upon the Angel of the
covenant and so climb its starry rounds. Our God not only hears prayer
but also loves to hear it. "He forgetteth not the cry of the humble."
True, he regards not high looks and lofty words; he cares not for the
pomp and pageantry of kings; he listens not to the swell of martial
music; he regards not the triumph and pride of man; but wherever there
is a heart big with sorrow, or a lip quivering with agony, or a deep
groan, or a penitential sigh, the heart of Jehovah is open; he marks it
down in the registry of his memory; he puts our prayers, like rose
leaves, between the pages of his book of remembrance, and when the
volume is opened at last, there shall be a precious fragrance springing
up therefrom.
"Faith asks no signal from the skies,
To show that prayers accepted rise,
Our Priest is in his holy place,
And answers from the throne of grace."
Sometimes groaning is exactly what we need to do.
"Behold, he prayeth."
-- Acts 9:11
Prayers are instantly noticed in heaven. The moment Saul began to pray
the Lord heard him. Here is comfort for the distressed but praying
soul. Oftentimes a poor broken-hearted one bends his knee, but can only
utter his wailing in the language of sighs and tears; yet that groan
has made all the harps of heaven thrill with music; that tear has been
caught by God and treasured in the lachrymatory of heaven. "Thou
puttest my tears into thy bottle," implies that they are caught as they
flow. The suppliant, whose fears prevent his words, will be well
understood by the Most High. He may only look up with misty eye; but
"prayer is the falling of a tear." Tears are the diamonds of heaven;
sighs are a part of the music of Jehovah's court, and are numbered with
"the sublimest strains that reach the majesty on high." Think not that
your prayer, however weak or trembling, will be unregarded. Jacob's
ladder is lofty, but our prayers shall lean upon the Angel of the
covenant and so climb its starry rounds. Our God not only hears prayer
but also loves to hear it. "He forgetteth not the cry of the humble."
True, he regards not high looks and lofty words; he cares not for the
pomp and pageantry of kings; he listens not to the swell of martial
music; he regards not the triumph and pride of man; but wherever there
is a heart big with sorrow, or a lip quivering with agony, or a deep
groan, or a penitential sigh, the heart of Jehovah is open; he marks it
down in the registry of his memory; he puts our prayers, like rose
leaves, between the pages of his book of remembrance, and when the
volume is opened at last, there shall be a precious fragrance springing
up therefrom.
"Faith asks no signal from the skies,
To show that prayers accepted rise,
Our Priest is in his holy place,
And answers from the throne of grace."
Sometimes groaning is exactly what we need to do.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
So I was writing a letter to a friend and on the back page I've started to write random quick poems just for the fun of it. It's a challenge to get me writing and not worrying about whether or not it is "good" or not. I've been thinking a lot about how for most of my life I suffered alone. In my depression, anxiety, sinful addictions, loneliness, etc. I suffered alone and was bitter because of it. Angry at others and angry at God I was such an angry and bitter person. This is what was borne as I journey on the path of restoration. I see so many people alone, suffering silently and it breaks my heart. This is my heart cry and plea. Open your mouth and speak, cry out in pain. Don't be afraid to manifest the heavy burdens on your heart. Christ gave us the Church, each other, that we might bear one another's burden. You don't have to carry it alone. Swallow your pride and take my hand. We need each other.
Silent Sufferer
All alone, here I stand
Longing for an outstretched hand
To look upon my hopeless state
To listen well and not berate
The honest thoughts and feelings too
That torment my soul piercing me through
To sit with me in the muck and mire
To endure my musings and not tire
But why is my heart endlessly alone?
This is my bitter cup, why, I bemoan
Can no one see my broken heart?
Does no one here, have grace to impart?
Selfish people how can they not see?
The pain, the anguish, inside of me
Angry and frustrated, shaking my fist
I guess I’ll just sit here, so I insist
As I sit here, self-pity is mine
Cynical, hopeless, pride is my crime
So consumed with myself, so focused on me
I’m blind to the reality, the truth I don’t see
People who love and notice my face
Words offered freely, much needed grace
Brothers who have known the pain full well
Sisters who have experienced my very same hell
But I’m deaf to their words, I’m blind to their love
I’d rather pity myself then receive grace from above
Silent sufferer am I by will and by choice
Crying out to God, but ignoring His Voice.
In Love, in Grace, and in Truth, for His Glory and my joy,
Brandon
Silent Sufferer
All alone, here I stand
Longing for an outstretched hand
To look upon my hopeless state
To listen well and not berate
The honest thoughts and feelings too
That torment my soul piercing me through
To sit with me in the muck and mire
To endure my musings and not tire
But why is my heart endlessly alone?
This is my bitter cup, why, I bemoan
Can no one see my broken heart?
Does no one here, have grace to impart?
Selfish people how can they not see?
The pain, the anguish, inside of me
Angry and frustrated, shaking my fist
I guess I’ll just sit here, so I insist
As I sit here, self-pity is mine
Cynical, hopeless, pride is my crime
So consumed with myself, so focused on me
I’m blind to the reality, the truth I don’t see
People who love and notice my face
Words offered freely, much needed grace
Brothers who have known the pain full well
Sisters who have experienced my very same hell
But I’m deaf to their words, I’m blind to their love
I’d rather pity myself then receive grace from above
Silent sufferer am I by will and by choice
Crying out to God, but ignoring His Voice.
In Love, in Grace, and in Truth, for His Glory and my joy,
Brandon
Friday, August 21, 2009
As I was reading....
So as I'm close to wrapping up Matthew I was reading in chapter 27 today. This is an extremely heavy and turbulent chapter as it goes through Jesus' accusations, his condemnation, his torture, his death, and his burial. It is intense in so many ways and arouses many emotions from anger, to guilt, to confusion, to hope.
Though there is so much that I could talk about in reference to this chapter I just wanted to briefly share what came to my attention for the first time as I was reading this morning. In verses 15-26 Pilate is addressing the crowd concerning whether or not Jesus or Barabbas should be condemned. The crowd being convinced by the Pharisees cry out condemnation, "Let him be crucified!" What hit me afresh this time reading through this series of events was verse 25 when the crowd cries out, "His blood be on us and on our children!" I noticed for the first time that those who condemned Jesus were prophets! You may ask how and I shall explain. When they cried out that Christ's blood be on them and their children that quite literally became true in His death and resurrection. Jesus, being the Spotless Lamb, was sacrificed for our sins and His blood is our atonement. So while the crowd was crying out in hatred, demanding to shed his blood, God in His amazing sovereignty orchestrated the requirement that the blood of Christ MUST be on us and our children if we are too gain eternal life.
I thought it was one of those cool little reminders of God transforming the evil motives and actions of mankind into the glorious redemption of mankind through the death and resurrection of His Son.
Though there is so much that I could talk about in reference to this chapter I just wanted to briefly share what came to my attention for the first time as I was reading this morning. In verses 15-26 Pilate is addressing the crowd concerning whether or not Jesus or Barabbas should be condemned. The crowd being convinced by the Pharisees cry out condemnation, "Let him be crucified!" What hit me afresh this time reading through this series of events was verse 25 when the crowd cries out, "His blood be on us and on our children!" I noticed for the first time that those who condemned Jesus were prophets! You may ask how and I shall explain. When they cried out that Christ's blood be on them and their children that quite literally became true in His death and resurrection. Jesus, being the Spotless Lamb, was sacrificed for our sins and His blood is our atonement. So while the crowd was crying out in hatred, demanding to shed his blood, God in His amazing sovereignty orchestrated the requirement that the blood of Christ MUST be on us and our children if we are too gain eternal life.
I thought it was one of those cool little reminders of God transforming the evil motives and actions of mankind into the glorious redemption of mankind through the death and resurrection of His Son.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Trying to verbalize.....
So my life is pretty uncertain right now. I guess if you put it in its proper perspective it has always been uncertain in the sense that I do not know what is ahead. Only God knows. But the past months have brought this Truth to the forefront in my life. It's so much more then just knowing what job I'm going to get or where I might live. It's deeper and it is bringing me face to face with the decision to trust or too flee. Will I trust that God has a GOOD plan for my life, for the next month, for tomorrow? Or will I flee and hide in anxiety and fear, refusing to actively seek my Father who promises to provide?
I feel as if I've been drifting lately, numb in a lot of ways, confused in so many others. I was thinking today wondering what the source of this numbness, semi-apathy. I'm wondering if its a defense mechanism to keep myself from totally freaking out about all the unknowns in my life. It's just a theory, but I maybe I'm repressing emotions and trying to hide my fear. Hmmmmmm.....interesting.
Emotions have not been completely fleeting from me though, so its not like I'm paralyzed. I'm still hopeful and so that keeps me from falling into a spiritual panic, because one of my greatest fears is being spiritually apathetic and numb. I've been wrestling some with sadness, though its source has yet to be revealed. I've also been quite overwhelmed with joy as I've been working this past week at my Alma Mater. I don't know what it is about being outside, getting dirty, wet, and sweating. I don't know what it is about sitting on a mower and weed eating for hours but it overwhelms me with joy. My body aches right now, my forearms still feel like jello, but when I'm out there in the sun or rain working that doesn't matter.
As I've worked God's been reminding me of the verse in Colossians where Paul admonishes the church that whatever they say and do "do all for the glory of God." It's been a joy to press on with that attitude. He's also reminded me of my pride and how I want to sometimes bear the burden of work alone so that people will notice and be impressed with me. What foolishness, but it is truth nonetheless. It's been a blessing to present that sin to Him and repent, receiving His grace and forgiveness. I don't want to be a prideful man, I can't be a prideful man. I cannot love my future wife and love my children with a heart full of pride. Oh that I may be a man of humility! Alas it will take my whole life and much humiliation but by God's grace I will be such a man.
So all this being said, my heart is in a strange state and I'm longing for some clarity. Not that I even want God to answer my questions, though they are many. I just need Him to reveal Himself to me in a greater way. I must have Him and the confusion and chaos will not touch me. The gaze seems blurry right now and I need the clarity of His Truth to bring light into my eyes. Oh that I may see Him and rest in His Presence!
I feel as if I've been drifting lately, numb in a lot of ways, confused in so many others. I was thinking today wondering what the source of this numbness, semi-apathy. I'm wondering if its a defense mechanism to keep myself from totally freaking out about all the unknowns in my life. It's just a theory, but I maybe I'm repressing emotions and trying to hide my fear. Hmmmmmm.....interesting.
Emotions have not been completely fleeting from me though, so its not like I'm paralyzed. I'm still hopeful and so that keeps me from falling into a spiritual panic, because one of my greatest fears is being spiritually apathetic and numb. I've been wrestling some with sadness, though its source has yet to be revealed. I've also been quite overwhelmed with joy as I've been working this past week at my Alma Mater. I don't know what it is about being outside, getting dirty, wet, and sweating. I don't know what it is about sitting on a mower and weed eating for hours but it overwhelms me with joy. My body aches right now, my forearms still feel like jello, but when I'm out there in the sun or rain working that doesn't matter.
As I've worked God's been reminding me of the verse in Colossians where Paul admonishes the church that whatever they say and do "do all for the glory of God." It's been a joy to press on with that attitude. He's also reminded me of my pride and how I want to sometimes bear the burden of work alone so that people will notice and be impressed with me. What foolishness, but it is truth nonetheless. It's been a blessing to present that sin to Him and repent, receiving His grace and forgiveness. I don't want to be a prideful man, I can't be a prideful man. I cannot love my future wife and love my children with a heart full of pride. Oh that I may be a man of humility! Alas it will take my whole life and much humiliation but by God's grace I will be such a man.
So all this being said, my heart is in a strange state and I'm longing for some clarity. Not that I even want God to answer my questions, though they are many. I just need Him to reveal Himself to me in a greater way. I must have Him and the confusion and chaos will not touch me. The gaze seems blurry right now and I need the clarity of His Truth to bring light into my eyes. Oh that I may see Him and rest in His Presence!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Musings on Manhood (Intro)
Being a man means many things, most of which I haven't even begun to grasp. What does it mean to be the head of a house? What does it mean to love my wife as Christ loves the Church? What does it mean to be a man of strength yet clothed with a heart of compassion? And the questions go on.
The responsibilities of being a man are never ending and the burden is honestly more then I can bear. Praise God their is grace offered to me through Christ. He is the only way and will be the only way I will ever be the man I'm called to be. It's overwhelming to see where I am now and where I need to be but once again my soul cries out and the sweet mercy of God is there ministering, teaching and rebuking my needy heart. One of the greatest wrestlings of a man's heart is an issue of adequacy....Do I have what it takes? It's a question that pushes men to be aggressive, power hungry jerks or passive, pansies that get blown away by a gentle breeze.
I've always found myself being in the latter category, passive pansy, paralyzed by fear, unwilling to move because I'm afraid to fail. Now here is where many people would stop and look back at their childhood and begin to blame their parents for being how they are. You know, I'm not going to do that. My passivity and lack of godly leadership in the past has been birthed from one thing and this is....my sin. It was my sin that made the decisions, that thought the thoughts, that ignored the commandments of God. Did my childhood effect me? Yes, you better believe it did. But I refuse to blame my father or my mother for my own sinful decisions. Could they have done better, taught me how to be a man? Of course, but I'm so tired of everyone shifting blame. Men, we need to take responsibility for the decisions we've made. That is the only way we can truly repent and BE the men God calls us to be. That was a bit of a tangent rant. Anyways.....
In the past year or so I've begun to look at manhood more seriously, asking questions, reading Scripture and books, and crying out to God for wisdom. "Oh, God teach me how to be a man!" Because you know what? I have NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING! Haha, tis true my friends. In the midst of my crying out, our faithful God has answered my cry, refining me. I am confident that this refinement will fashion me into the man I long to be and that my future wife needs me to be, so that we can bring glory to God as we live out Ephesians 5:22-33 together. Man, that is exciting to think about. I get all fired up every time I read that Scripture.
So what has He been teaching me? Well, I shall save that for a future post.
The responsibilities of being a man are never ending and the burden is honestly more then I can bear. Praise God their is grace offered to me through Christ. He is the only way and will be the only way I will ever be the man I'm called to be. It's overwhelming to see where I am now and where I need to be but once again my soul cries out and the sweet mercy of God is there ministering, teaching and rebuking my needy heart. One of the greatest wrestlings of a man's heart is an issue of adequacy....Do I have what it takes? It's a question that pushes men to be aggressive, power hungry jerks or passive, pansies that get blown away by a gentle breeze.
I've always found myself being in the latter category, passive pansy, paralyzed by fear, unwilling to move because I'm afraid to fail. Now here is where many people would stop and look back at their childhood and begin to blame their parents for being how they are. You know, I'm not going to do that. My passivity and lack of godly leadership in the past has been birthed from one thing and this is....my sin. It was my sin that made the decisions, that thought the thoughts, that ignored the commandments of God. Did my childhood effect me? Yes, you better believe it did. But I refuse to blame my father or my mother for my own sinful decisions. Could they have done better, taught me how to be a man? Of course, but I'm so tired of everyone shifting blame. Men, we need to take responsibility for the decisions we've made. That is the only way we can truly repent and BE the men God calls us to be. That was a bit of a tangent rant. Anyways.....
In the past year or so I've begun to look at manhood more seriously, asking questions, reading Scripture and books, and crying out to God for wisdom. "Oh, God teach me how to be a man!" Because you know what? I have NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING! Haha, tis true my friends. In the midst of my crying out, our faithful God has answered my cry, refining me. I am confident that this refinement will fashion me into the man I long to be and that my future wife needs me to be, so that we can bring glory to God as we live out Ephesians 5:22-33 together. Man, that is exciting to think about. I get all fired up every time I read that Scripture.
So what has He been teaching me? Well, I shall save that for a future post.
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